PART ONE
(A minute and a half pause)
(BUTTONS 2 enters, waving)
BUTTONS 2: Hi Everybody
BUTTONS 2: I’m Buttons! Say Hi Buttons! (Pause) I work in there. (Indicating) For Baron Boracic-Lint. He’s sort of alright, but the others, they’re horrible. Not Cinders I don’t mean, she’s sooo lovely, but the sisters, and their mother – they’re awful, and they make Cinders work so hard. One day I’m going to be rich, and, and, win the lottery, and, take Cinders away so she’ll never have to work again. I am! I’m saving up. I am! (Indicating bag) Everything’s in here. Look! There’s some sweets! You can have those. (Takes out sweets and throws them to the audience. Then other contents one by one and shows them to the audience. This may include other items not mentioned here) Look. A kettle. (Takes out a battered old kettle) A candle – well, half a candle. (Takes out remains of a candle) A spoon. (Takes out bent spoon) I think that Yuri Geller – fella’s been at that! Some old coins. (Shows a handful of coins) A mousetrap. (Shows breakneck type mouse trap shakes it and looks at it) It doesn’t work, but I can probably fix it. (Suddenly sad) Its not much is it? (Pause) I can’t afford any more, because they don’t pay me you see. (Encouraging audience sympathy) It’s worse than that (encouraging bigger response from the audience, then brightening up) still it’s a start! I don’t want to put it all in there (indicating house) because those horrible sisters might take it. (Looking around) Will you look after it for me if I leave it out here? (Pause) You won’t let anyone take it will you? (Pause) (Putting bag at side of stage) If I leave it here will you shout if anyone tries to touch it? (Pause) Can you shout loud? (Pause) Really really loud? (Pause) Right lets have a practice. I’ll go off and you shout out ‘Buttons’ and I’ll see if I can hear you.(exits)
(Pause)
BUTTONS 2: (coming back on) I’m ready! You didn’t shout did you? (Pause) You didn’t. (Pause) I didn’t hear you. You’ll have to shout louder than that. Lets try again and shout ‘Buttons’ really loud this time. (Exits again)
(Pause)
BUTTONS 2: (returning) that’s better! I don’t want to lose that stuff. It’s all my worldly wealth. So don’t forget to shout really loud. (Pause) (Looking offstage) Here comes one of those horrible sisters. I don’t want to see her. I’m going. Give her a big boo, will you? (Pause) See you later. Bye! (Exits into house waving to audience)
(Thirty second pause)
BUTTONS 2: (enters) who called? (To audience) Is it someone stealing my treasures? (Pause) (Looking over at where the ugly sister should be) Oh it’s her! England’s answer to the loch ness monster! (Pause) (To audience smiling) Oh good! That mousetrap does work after all! Thanks boys and girls. (To ugly sister) Leave that alone! (Pause) (To audience) Here comes the other one. You can give her a big boo as well.
(BUTTONS 2 exits into house)
(Ten Second Pause)
BUTTONS 2: (running on, to audience) Not again! Who was it this time? (Pause) Ah, the Barbie doll from the black lagoon! (To ugly sister) Oih! Leave that alone! (Pause) Thanks boys and girls. (Exits into house)
(Minute and a half pause)
(Enter BUTTONS 2 from house)
BUTTONS 2: (to sisters) leave her alone! Let me help you up Cinders. (Takes bundle from Cinderella and enters house with her following)
(Thirty second pause)
(BUTTONS 3 appears R.)
BUTTONS 3: Right-o your worship. Here I come.
(BUTTONS 3 walks off stage and then walks back on looking at the audience. Then he walks off again and returns very slowly)
(Long pause)
BUTTONS 3: Of course your honour. (Pause) Who’s she calling a meanie? (Pause) Yes your starship, I’ll go and get one from (local bank manager) (Pause) A loan. What you said. (Pause) But –
(Pause)
(BUTTONS 3 exits R.)
(One minute pause)
BUTTONS 3: (reappears up R.) Hi, boys and girls. Hello, is there any life out there? Listen, you’ll have to do much better than that. This is the audience participation bit. Come on, stood up, everybody stood up! No, missus, no exceptions. I don’t care if you’ve got bunions or arthur-itis, or even the screaming abdabs! This is the daft bit where everybody loses their inhibitions and looks very foolish into the bargain!
(BUTTONS 3 goes into the audience and makes sure that everybody is standing up.)
(BUTTONS 1 enters stage right. He is carrying a bag and humming to himself. Suddenly he stops and notices the audience sat there)
BUTTONS 3: I want everybody to turn to the person on their right -
BUTTONS 1: Hello!
BUTTONS 3: – and shake hands. Go on, do it!
BUTTONS 1: I didn’t see you all sitting there. Is everybody here?
BUTTONS 3: Now, are we all ready? I said are we all ready? Oompah oompah – (“stick it up your jumper”)
BUTTONS 1: Say (in a low voice)”Hello Buttons”
BUTTONS 3: Do you feel better now? Relaxed? Then I shall begin.
BUTTONS 1: Say (in a high voice) “Hello Buttons”
BUTTONS 3: When I appear I want you all to shout at the top of your voices-
BUTTONS 1: You’re all mad.
BUTTONS 3: - “Hi-ya BUTTONS!” Shall we practice?
BUTTONS 1: That’s my name, Buttons.
BUTTONS 3: Hiya kids! (Practice this ad-lib)
BUTTONS 1: It’s a daft name I know. Its because my jacket’s covered in...
BUTTONS 3: Listen kids will you help me?
BUTTONS 1: (to someone in the audience) Clever clogs there.
BUTTONS 3 If you see anyone going to push the button, I want you to tell me right away. Will you do that?
BUTTONS 1: Now you all know my name, but I don’t know yours. So I tell you what, all shout your name to me after three.
ONE TWO THREE
BUTTONS 3: Now remember, if you see anyone about to push, shout for Buttons.
BUTTONS 1: No I didn’t quite catch that. After 3
ONE TWO THREE
BUTTONS 3: Did you see the baron? Poor man. What a woman that Baroness is. Godzilla with a frock on.
BUTTONS 1: No need to shout.
BUTTONS 3: You should see her daughters they’re worse.
BUTTONS 1: This is where I live, Hardup Hall. I work for the Baron Hardup. He’s hard up by name... ooooo, and he’s hard up by nature. He’s got two stepdaughters. The most ugly – ooooohhhhhh, vicious oooooooohhhhhh, and the most spiteful pair you are ever likely to meet. Yaaaaarrrrrrgh. (Runs across the stage)
Oh I almost forgot, there’s one other person who lives here, the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Do you know her name?
BUTTONS 3: Oh you’ve seen them have you? Hilda and Tilda the gruesome twosome. The refugees from the chamber of horrors. You know they once went to Madam Tussaud’s and they were told by the attendant to keep moving – they were stocktaking. And I’m not joking! I’m not! And do you know, the three of them make life miserable for poor Cinderella. Have you met her yet? No? Well you will. Oh she’s lovely! (Sighs) And (shyly) I’m in love with her. Honest. I’m smitten. But she doesn’t know it. Unrequited love
(BUTTONS 2 runs on stage, BUTTONS 3 encourages the audience to say, “Ah!”)
BUTTONS 2: Who is it this time? Oih you! Leave that alone!
BUTTONS 3: One of these days, though, I’m going to go right up to Cinderella and tell her –BUTTONS 1: What’s her name?
(BUTTONS 3 goes down on bended knee)
BUTTONS 2:Thanks girls and boys!
BUTTONS 3: And I’ll say to her, “Cinderella -” (looks surprised – Cinderella has just entered from left)
BUTTONS 1: That’s right, Cinderella. But she hasn’t got any friends (encourages the audience to say, “Ah!”)
BUTTONS 3: Cinderella, I-
BUTTONS 2: (puzzled) Frog? Wand? (Shakes head and exits through door)
BUTTONS 1: No its worse than that.
BUTTONS 3: 3 Cinderella I’ve something very important to tell you. It’s -
BUTTONS 1: No it’s a million times worse than that.
BUTTONS 3: It’s - your stepmother.
BUTTONS 1: I’m the only friend she’s got.
BUTTONS 3: She wants to see you.
BUTTONS 1: Charming.
BUTTONS 3: I suppose it can wait.
BUTTONS 1: But I’ve got a wonderful idea, will you all be her friends?
BUTTONS 3: Bye Cinders. Oh Cinders!
BUTTONS 1: What a smashing bunch you are,
BUTTONS 3: Cinders would you like a little bet with me?
BUTTONS 1: In fact you’re so lovely, I’m going to give you a prezzie, would you like a prezzie?
BUTTONS 3 Well I bet you fifty pence I can kiss you on the lips without touching you. (Pause) In my special Buttons bag I’ve got some crithpth. Would you like some crithpth?
BUTTONS 3: You bet me the fifty pence and I’ll show you how its done.
BUTTONS 1: Everybody say crithpth.
BUTTONS 3: Yes go on then bet.
BUTTONS 1: But if I give you some of my crithpth you have to promise not to tell the ugly sisters I gave them to you. Do you promise?
BUTTONS 3: Close your eyes (kisses the air then falls on his back)
BUTTONS 1: No you all have to say, “I promise,” after three
ONE TWO THREE
BUTTONS 3: (getting up) yes I know. You win. Here’s your fifty pence, but boy was it worth it!
(BUTTONS 3 runs off stage as if chased)
BUTTONS 1: Catch
(BUTTONS 1 throws packets of crisps into the audience for about thirty seconds, then -)
BUTTONS 1: Oh no. They’re back. (Stands at side of stage looking in direction of ugly sisters)
(BUTTONS 3 appears R)
BUTTONS 3: Hi Cinders! You all right? (Pause) Heard the big news? (Pause) At the Castle. His Royal Nibs is having a Ball.
BUTTONS 1: (to sisters) More shopping?
BUTTONS 3: No, a real Ball. Jigging and all that. And he’s invited all the local girls. Could be good news for some lucky girl.
BUTTONS 1: We barely have enough money for food and you waste it on clothes for yourselves.
(Thirty-second pause)
BUTTONS 1: Those crisps aren’t yours there mine.
(BUTTONS 3 makes thumbs up sign.)
BUTTONS 3: Nothing your Battleship!
BUTTONS 1: Oh no they don’t.
BUTTONS 3: All right, your Ladyship, you twit!
BUTTONS 3: You haven’t paid me for three weeks, your Hardship!
(BUTTONS 1 exits stage right)
(BUTTONS 2 enters carrying a small table and chair, which he places on one side of the stage.)
BUTTONS 3: Well where is it then?
BUTTONS 2: (coming to centre stage) Say Hi Buttons!
BUTTONS 3: My wages!
BUTTONS 2: (indicates his bag at the side of the stage) Have you been keeping an eye on my treasures?
BUTTONS 3: Yes your flagship!
BUTTONS 2: Great! This is the baron’s study. Poor Baron. He owes everyone money. (Pause) There’s the butcher – the Baron can’t MEAT his bills! Do you get it – MEAT his bills!
(BUTTONS 3 laughs and exits R.)
BUTTONS 2: Then there’s the baker, they’ve got no DOUGH for him! (Pause) And the dressmaker – ooh, she’s very CUT UP about not being paid! (Pause) Then there’s the candlestick maker – they’re really getting on his WICK! HA! (Pause) (To imaginary other character, puzzled) Back? Where have you been? (Pause) How can you be back then? (Pause) Ah – I see. You’ve been here before, and now you’ve come back. (Pause) (Scratching his head) You haven’t been here before, and you haven’t been anywhere else, but your back? (Pause) Is he? How short? (Pause) (Pointing at another imaginary character) and that’s short? (Pause) Have you been sniffing the boot polish? (Pause) (Looking around) And Besides? Besides what?
(BUTTONS 1 enters stage right and looks forlornly at the audience)
BUTTONS 2: Besides him? What are you talking about? (Pause) Is there a psychiatrist in the house? (Pause) Ah! Bert Sides – B. Sides why didn’t you say so?
BUTTONS 1: (kneeling down, to Cinderella) Have they been bullying you again?
BUTTONS 2: So, he’s Mr Short, and you must be - Mr. Back
BUTTONS 1: You must tell the baron
BUTTONS 2: (sly grin at audience) What’s your first name – Hunch? HA! HA! (Does circle as ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’) The bells! The bells! (Pause) Stand Back! I don’t believe it!
BUTTONS 1: One day they’ll get what’s coming to them mark my words.
BUTTONS 2: Stand Well Back! Help! It’s a nightmare! (Pause) (Suddenly proud) Really? Why? What did I do?
BUTTONS 1: Don’t worry Cinders, I’ll always love you.
BUTTONS 2: No Baron, He’s Back
BUTTONS 1: And maybe one day we could, well, be even better friends, I mean dreams do come true.
BUTTONS 2: Don’t start that again! They are Short Back and Sides and they want to give me a medal.
BUTTONS 2: I’ve been incredibly brave living in a house with your two daughters.
BUTTONS 1: That’s the story of my life.
BUTTONS 1: You see cinders, whatever happens, I’ll always be there for you.
BUTTONS 1: We’re all your friends, (to the audience) aren’t we?
BUTTONS 2: (laughing) Ha! You’ll be lucky to get money up front or, (pointing to Back) up Back.
BUTTONS 1: See.
BUTTONS 2: Because the money is decidedly (pointing to Short) short round here (indicating Bert Sides) And Besides everything else – (pointing to Baron) he’s broke! HAA (exits laughing)BUTTONS 1: Just a big brother?
(BUTTONS 1 breaks into Colour Blind by Darius. This lasts for about a minute and a half. Then -)
BUTTONS 1: I’d better go. (Exits, running, stage right).
(One minute pause)
(BUTTONS 3 enters L.)
BUTTONS 3: Hi-ya, kids! Etc.
(BUTTONS 3 walks to right of stage and then walks back again.)
BUTTONS 3: Who did you say you were?
BUTTONS 2: (running on stage, to audience) Who is it this time girls and boys?
BUTTONS 3: (holds out his hand) I’m Buttons. I’ve no idea what you just said, but I’m pleased to meet you.
BUTTONS 2: Oih, you! Keep out of that! Thanks girls and boys! (Exits)
BUTTONS 3: Yep! (Pause) Yep! Don’t go away! (Exits up R)
(Thirty Second Pause)
(BUTTONS 1 comes onto the stage and stands in the middle.)
(Long pause)
BUTTONS 1: (to ugly sister) You’d be lucky if anyone would marry you. (Pause) If you were my wife I’d drink it. (Pause) Leave her alone. Why are you so cruel to her?
(Pause) Listen if you don’t stop being cruel to Cinderella I’ll, I’ll, (Pause) And don’t click at me I hate it when you click at me. (Pause) Why?
(Long Pause)
(BUTTONS 3 appears R)
BUTTONS 3: Hi-ya, kids! Etc. Was somebody at the bell push? (Pause) Thanks. (Pause) I’ve a message from the Duchess. (Pause) Yes she’s well apart for a bit of wind!
BUTTONS 1: Yes that’s nothing, I’ll prove it
BUTTONS 3: She say’s you’ve got to get the finger out.
BUTTONS 1: Well I’ll ask my lovely friends to help me (motions to the audience).
BUTTONS 3: She’s leaving in half an hour and the limo.
(BUTTONS 3 pulls a face at one of the ugly sisters silently as he goes through door R.)
BUTTONS 1: Listen everybody. All you have to do is click your fingers like this (clicks his fingers twice)
BUTTONS 3: Warts? (Leaves quickly R.)
BUTTONS 1: Or Clap your hands, Tinky Winky and Dipsy here will never know the difference. (Pause) Nothing (Pause) Here we go then. Click your fingers (clicks his fingers twice) (Pause) Click your fingers (clicks his fingers twice). (Pause) Yeah! Well done everybody. (Pause) Posh enough for you?
(Long pause)
BUTTONS 1: Who’s moi? (Pause) Nothing. (Pause) Say nothing. (Pause) (In a silly voice) Say Nothing. (Pause) (To the direction of the door) Three. (Pause) THREE. (Pause) There are three unmarried ladies living in this house.
(Long Pause)
BUTTONS 1: In a mad house.
(Pause)
BUTTONS 2: (to audience) say, ‘Hi Buttons’
(BUTTONS 1 walks to the left of the stage round the back end, snatching an imaginary letter on the way.)
BUTTONS 2: They’re fighting again!
(BUTTONS 1 goes to the right of the stage and sticks his arm out. He then walks slowly forward reading imaginary letter)
BUTTONS 2: Oh yeah, so why has Kate Adie just arrived then? (Pause) Don’t worry I’m insured against it! Anyway, I’ve seen better legs on a grand Piano, and you get at least one more.
(BUTTONS 3 enters from left to sing reprise of ‘Tomorrow’)
BUTTONS 2: A long walk on a short pier (Pause) I said ‘what a very good idea’
BUTTONS 3 Hi-ya, kids! Etc
BUTTONS 1: I told you didn’t I? The most vicious, spiteful pair you’re ever likely to meet, and they’re so ugly.
BUTTONS 2: We should stand up to them more. We should positively, permanently, privately and publicly protest.
BUTTONS 3: It’s a surprise! I’ve brought reinforcements.
BUTTONS 1: Poor Cinderella. She’s always being left out.
It’s not fair is it?
BUTTONS 3: Yes! I couldn’t help overhearing old misery-guts putting you down. So I’ve brought this lot along to help with the 47 items.
BUTTONS 1: But I’ll tell you one thing. I’ll always stand by her. Because you see, I love her. (Exits stage right.)
BUTTONS 2: What? Oh how can they be so horrible?
BUTTONS 3: Come on, then, jump to it! We’ll have it finished in no time.
BUTTONS 2: (laughs) lets forget about them. (Pause) (A little deflated) Oh. What – nicer than me?
BUTTONS 3: (blushing) Aw shucks!
BUTTONS 2: Who was he?
BUTTONS 3: What?
BUTTONS 2: Oh.
BUTTONS 3: Minor detail.
BUTTONS 2: Don’t be sad Cinders, let me cheer you up.
BUTTONS 3: I suppose so.
(BUTTONS 1 enters stage right and stands in centre.)
(BUTTONS 2 breaks into ‘My favourite things’)
BUTTONS 3: You can walk.
BUTTONS 1: I’m not doing it. (Pause) Whatever it is the answer’s no.
BUTTONS 3: Hm! I’ll have to think about that one. Don’t go away! (Exits R)
BUTTONS 1: What about? (Pause) So? (Pause) Why should I tell you?
BUTTONS 2: If I had lots of money, I’d give it all to you, Cinders. (Pause): But I don’t have a bean.
BUTTONS 1: What do you want to know?
BUTTONS 2: And I must find those odd-job men. Bye Cinders. (Exits)
BUTTONS 1: What? (Pause) Lots of grand rooms, and paintings, and (makes hand gesture) chandeliers. (Pause) With my mouth. (Pause) Of course. (Pause) You use words. (Pause) Weeeellll... (Pause) Weeeellll... (Pause) What do you breathe? (Pause) What’s that on top of your head? (Pause) And what do you call a place where foxes live?
(BUTTONS 3 Appears R) (Pause) That’s all you need to know.
BUTTONS 3: Hiya kids! (etc.) Yes?
BUTTONS 1: You put the three together. (Pause) Faster.
BUTTONS 3: No. (Pause) I know for a fact we haven’t got one. (Pause) Look, it’s out of season. (Pause) Who are you? (Pause) Yes, She looks fairly foozled! (Pause) Oh yes? (Pause) I’ve got a tin of baked beans! (Pause) Mixed veg? (Pause) I might just have one. Hang around. (Exits R.)
BUTTONS 1: You don’t need a boob job
(BUTTONS 1 exits stage right.)
(BUTTONS 3 returns with a banana)
BUTTONS 3: Here what have you done with Cinders you silly moo?
(BUTTONS 3 starts singing the male part of Barbie Girl by Aqua)
(Thirty second pause)
BUTTONS 3: Bloomin right! You’ve made a booboo Foozle. (Pause) No chance, Floozie old girl! (Pause) Well all right, but be careful. (Exits L)
(Long Pause)
(BUTTONS 3 reappears wearing an Elvis Presley suit and mask, and breaks into Blue Suede Shoes)
BUTTONS 2: (enters carrying a whistle and notebook like a referee, to audience) Say ‘Hi, Buttons!’
BUTTONS 3: Just call me Elvis.
BUTTONS 2: (turning cereal packet upside down to show that it is empty) Poor Cinders! She’ll be needing to let out all their dresses again! (Pause) You’ve pretty well cleared it all yourselves
(BUTTONS 3 leaves L, then after a bit he comes out again carrying a giant cut-out banana)
BUTTONS 2: No they’ve eaten it all. Breakfast tea and dinner, all in one go!
BUTTONS 3: I’ve never ridden on a banana before. I’ve heard of going to work on an egg before, but going to a ball on a banana? (Pause) Of all the Fairies in the world we had to get this one!
BUTTONS 2: (BUTTONS 2 starts dodging around his area of the stage as if avoiding people)
BUTTONS 3: A trans-what? (Pause) 2000? (Pause) You’re not on Foozle. That’s a definite no-no. (Pause) No, but –
(Now BUTTONS 2 is running around the stage in a panic)
BUTTONS 3: They’ll have to do better than that.
(FX flash and BUTTONS 3 vanishes L)
BUTTONS 2: (stops, puffing, takes out whistle and, acting like a referee, blows it waving his arms about.) Half time! Change ends! (He starts running around in the opposite direction, he blows his whistle again)
No! No! That’s enough of that!
(BUTTONS 2 onstage now, blows whistle again. Completely taking charge, He takes out red card from pocket and waves it at them in turn)
BUTTONS 3: (enters L) Hiya kids! (etc.)
BUTTONS 2: You! Off! (Points off) You! Off!
BUTTONS 3: You can say that for me, too!
BUTTONS 2: You! Take dress – and off!
BUTTONS 3: It’s a beach. But I don’t think it’s (Local beach)
BUTTONS 2: You! Dress! Off!
BUTTONS 3: Foozle!
BUTTONS 2: (horrified) What are you doing?
BUTTONS 3: Excuse me miss. What is this place and who are you?
BUTTONS 2: You must be joking! You’ll frighten the audience to death!
BUTTONS 3: Hello Honolulu! I’m Buttons, and this is Cinders and Foozle
(BUTTONS 2 gives imaginary dress to imaginary sister and bustles her off)
BUTTONS 3: I’m fine, how are you?
BUTTONS 2: You two. OFF! (Pause) (Blows whistle again, takes out pad and pencil, indicating for imaginary Baron to come over to him) Name? (Pause) (Writing in book, then pointing off) Off!
(BUTTONS 3 shakes hands with someone)
BUTTONS 2: (going soppy) I don’t know what came over me!
BUTTONS 3: I knew it wasn’t Scarborough.
BUTTONS 2: Yes I know, I wish you could go to the ball, Cinders. (To audience) Do you wish Cinders could go to the ball? (Pause) (Closing his eyes tight) I’m wishing. Are you wishing too? (Pause) Wishing really hard? (Pause) (Opening his eyes and looking round) Ah well! Nothing happened. (Turning to Cinderella) Never mind, lets pretend you are at the ball.
(BUTTONS 2 breaks into wish on the moon or wishing will make it so or another)
BUTTONS 3: What can he do?
(Pause)
(BUTTONS 3 leaves stage)
BUTTONS 2: I wish there was something more I could do. (Pause) I must go and get that rusty old coach ready for tonight. (Pause) Bye Cinders
(BUTTONS 2 pauses sadly looking at where Cinderella should be. Somehow they instinctively know that things will never be the same again)
(BUTTONS 2 exits)
(Long pause)
BUTTONS 3: Hiya kids? Was someone at that bell push again? (Pause) Thanks a lot. (Pause) Wh-whats’s the matter with it?
(BUTTONS 3 runs chased around the stage)
BUTTONS 3: Foozle can’t you do something about this?
(BUTTONS 3 suddenly freezes)
(There is a flash and BUTTONS 3 disappears again)
(Minute and a half pause)
(BUTTONS 2 enters dressed as a coachman)
BUTTONS 2: Say ‘Hi Buttons’
(BUTTONS 2 looks in his bag)
BUTTONS 2: Mice in my bag! I do declare!
I’ve got no idea how they got there!
(Places mice at back of stage)
And now the pumpkin, as you say.
(Places the pumpkin behind mice)
Behind the mice, is that okay?
(Turns around three times, pauses and exits slowly)
TEN MINUTE INTERVAL BEGINS
PART TWO BEGINS
(Six minute pause, then -)
(BUTTONS 3 enters dressed for the ball)
BUTTONS 3: Hi-ya, kids! Etc. Well Floozie old girl, I have to admit you came up with the goods. (Pause) You’re spot on yourself Foozle! (Pause) What is it? (Pause) What about them? (Pause) Or what? (Pause) Well look, we’ll both try to get her the message.
(One minute pause)
(BUTTONS 2 enters, looks around, sees sisters, approaches them and stands behind them. He then taps the sisters on their shoulders then struggles as if he is being groped/manhandled by them)
BUTTONS 2: Help!
(BUTTONS 1 enters stage right in pyjamas, yawning.)
BUTTONS 1: Hello Cinders.
BUTTONS 2: Help!
BUTTONS 1: (suddenly angry) Cinderella where have you been I’ve been worried sick about you, I’ve been looking all over the house for you... (Pause) Where have you been? Something’s happened hasn’t it? (Pause) Well don’t keep me in suspenders, tell me.
(BUTTONS 2 falls to the floor in the same manner and then begins to scream)
(BUTTONS 1 gets up protecting himself from the sister’s blows)
BUTTONS 1: At last!
BUTTONS 2: Leave off will you? Your mother wanted me to ask how you were getting on with the Prince.
BUTTONS 1: Oh I knew if I waited long enough you would
BUTTONS 1: Of course! I feel the same. When’s the wedding? (Pause)
BUTTONS 1: No I think we should, I’m an old fashioned boy that way, and you get a family tax benefit thing now. (Pause) The wedding, you and me are getting married.
BUTTONS 2: (looking round) Where?
(BUTTONS 1 looks at the audience forlornly for about five seconds.)
BUTTONS 1: Oh, Prince Charming. (Pause) Well of course it is I knew that. (Pause) I was only joking. I mean you and me. Why would a beautiful young girl fall in love with someone like me?
(BUTTONS 2 is pushed out of the way. He dusts himself down)
BUTTONS 1: I mean I’m just, I’m just... just a minute, (Pause) you can’t be in love with Prince Charming you’ve never even met him.
BUTTONS 2: Yes, police protection.
BUTTONS 1: You did what?
BUTTONS 2: (craning towards stage left to try and see) I just wanted to catch a glimpse of Cinders. I bet she’s been dancing with some - Court Official
BUTTONS 1: You two keep out of this. I think you’d better explain yourself young lady staying out all hours with goodness knows who. How did you get there?
BUTTONS 2: One she was telling me about. She met him this morning.
BUTTONS 1: Fairy Godmother? What are you talking about?
(BUTTONS 2 begins to be ushered off the stage)
BUTTONS 1: And you expect me to believe that?
BUTTONS 2: (rubbing his hands) Oh, yes. Thanks.
(Pause)
BUTTONS 1: Blimey! It’s Pat Butcher! (Pause) Then it is true. (Pause) What are you two talking about? (Pause) What has?
BUTTONS 2: You’d better leave that alone mate, if you don’t want to get into trouble with my friends down there. (To audience) thanks, girls and boys! (Exits)
BUTTONS 1: Will somebody please explain to me what’s going on? (Pause) None of this is making any sense to me.
(BUTTONS 1 exits stage left.)
(BUTTONS 3 reappears and comes to centre)
(Pause)
BUTTONS 3: Are you dancing? (Pause) But are you dancing? (Pause) I’m asking (he starts gyrating) (Pause) No (Pause) I’ve got dancing in my blood.
(BUTTONS 3 grabs the sister he is dancing with and puts his hand on her bottom)
BUTTONS 3: I don’t need any help! You’re one in a million. (Pause) You know, I’ve got a villa on the Riviera. (Pause) Listen Carissima, if you play your cards right I’ll run you home. (Pause) No, a pair of trainers! (Pause) How far away do you live? (Pause) Its not a boyfriend you need, it’s a pen pal! (He dances on and eventually leaves)
(Four Minute Pause)
BUTTONS 3: (enters L.) Hi-ya, kids! Etc. (Pause) Have you been looking after this for me? (Pause) Do you know what happens when this button is pressed? (Pause) Well to be honest, neither do I. I don’t! Listen. (He gestures to the audience, as if in confidence) I wonder what would happen if I pressed it now. Shall I do it? (He goes up to it stealthily, and presses it melodramatically. Then he runs to the other end of the stage to see what happens.
(BUTTONS 3 falls over. He gets up and then exits)
(Pause)
BUTTONS 2: (enters through audience) Say ‘Hi, Buttons’ (Pause) What? (Pause) (On stage now) You leave my sanitary arrangements alone! I came to ask what all the noise was about? You’re supposed to be working. (Pause) Huh! I could have told you that. (Pause) More people who haven’t been paid.
(Pause)
BUTTONS 3: (enters R.) Hi-ya, kids! Etc. Morning ladies. (Pause) Who me? (Pause) I am employed here. By your mother. In a menial capacity. I am everyone’s favourite flunky.
BUTTONS 2: This could go on all night! He’s Mr Stanley Back the decorator.
BUTTONS 3: Who me?
BUTTONS 2: Oh no! We’re not going to start that again! Go and do some work will you? (Pause) Now, look. I’ll do what I can to get you some money. I’ll speak to the Baron, OK?
BUTTONS 3: A scone, a scone. (Pause) Ask on. (Pause) It shall be done oh she who must be obeyed. (Pause) Nothing! (Long Pause) Hi Cinders, what’s new? (Pause) So it wasn’t a dream then. I was dancing with – Hilda! Mine was a nightmare!
BUTTONS 2: I can see we all enjoyed the ball last night.
BUTTONS 3: I dunno. Listen, I’ve got to go a message down the street. Are you coming?
BUTTONS 2: Two horses coming up! (Exits)
(BUTTONS 3 exits L.)
(Two minute pause)
BUTTONS 2: (enters, announcing) Representatives at the door. (Pause) Representatives from the palace at the door. (Pause) (Tired of waiting) Shall I show them in or send them away?
(BUTTONS 2 turns and exits)
(Long pause)
BUTTONS 2: (enters, announcing) Representatives from the palace!
(Thirty second pause)
(BUTTONS 1 enters stage left. He walks to the front and addresses the audience.)
BUTTONS 1: (Confused) What are you talking about?
(BUTTONS 1 steps to the left)
BUTTONS 1: What’s going on?
(BUTTONS 1 steps to the right.)
BUTTONS 2: (to audience) You’ve got to admit he’s very brave.
BUTTONS 1: Everybody, one at a time.
(BUTTONS 1 appears to struggle against an invisible force, and then drags himself off stage to the left.)
(Minute and a half pause)
BUTTONS 2: (encouraging the audience) More!
(Repeat as desired)
BUTTONS 2: Just a minute, what about Cinderella?
BUTTONS 3: (enters from auditorium) Hi-ya, kids. Etc.
BUTTONS 2: But, you said all young ladies of the realm. (Appealing to the audience) That includes Cinderella as well doesn’t it?
BUTTONS 3: What’s new folks? Whoops! Sorry, your highness! (Bows)
BUTTONS 2: (hurrying off) I’ll find her!
BUTTONS 3: Down the road at the chemist’s getting something for Hilda’s hangover.
(BUTTONS 2 enters holding Cinderella’s hand and leading her reluctantly forward)
(BUTTONS 3 brings forward a chair)
BUTTONS 2: Don’t even think about it Chambers, old boy! (To audience) Thanks girls and boys. Come on Cinders. (Long pause) It fits! Yippee! (Jumps about in joy)
(BUTTONS 3 exits)
(One minute pause)
(BUTTONS 2 looks sad but then cheers up and follows Cinderella offstage)
(One minute pause)
(BUTTONS 1 enters stage left and stands in the middle of the stage.)
BUTTONS 2: (entering and going to his bag) So I won’t be needing this any more! (Throws bag off stage) Thanks for looking after it for me anyway girls and boys! (Exits)
(Long pause)
BUTTONS 1: And so am I
(Pause)
(BUTTONS 1 leans down to put Cinderella’s shoes on her feet)
BUTTONS 1: Your royal highness may I present, Cinderella.
(BUTTONS 1 puts the other shoe on her foot)
(Pause)
BUTTONS 1: Why should I? (Pause) I did, but if she’s happy, I’m happy. (Pause) Have you noticed in stories like these blokes like me never get the girl? (Pause) But you’re a fairy. (Pause) I’ve never been out with a fairy.
(BUTTONS 1 starts to dance around the left of the stage and claps his hands in rhythm)
(Pause)
(BUTTONS 1 starts singing the backing vocals to automatic high by the S-club juniors, then runs off stage right.)
THE END
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Electrocuting an Elephant (Thomas Alma Edison 1903)
The bizarre and harrowing Electrocuting an Elephant, though not an isolated case of an Elephant execution, is especially remarkable because it represents the extremes to which Thomas Edison would go to protect his interests.
Edison and Topsy the Elephant's fates met after Topsy had trampled to death three men in as many years at Coney Island's Luna Park. Simultaneously Edison had been on a campaign of animal electrocutions to prove the danger of George Westinghouse's Alternating Current, which was struggling for dominance in the 'War of the Currents' with his own Direct Current. Edison had pioneered the electric chair for just this reason in 1890 and was confident that, not only could an elephant be destroyed by electrocution, but that by proliferating a film of the act via his kinetograph machines across America, he could create enough of a stir to help stigmatise AC for good.
This came at a time when Edison was looking for ways to monopolise cinematic production and distribution through his company's patent rights. 5 years later he would succeed with the creation of the Motion Picture Copyright Corporation (or The Trust) which approved studio licenses enforcing holders to pay fees to the Edison company. This effectively disenfranchised independent film making in America until Carl Laemmle's company spearheaded a definitive stand against Edison and The Trust.
Edison's plans backfired, by 1912 The Trust was taken to court and in 1915 was dissolved. Similarly DC lost out to the AC that is generally used today despite his attacks on Westinghouse. In the end, aside from seeming unusually cruel, Topsy's Death is symbolic of Edison's frustrated attempts at dominion both over Cinema and over electricity itself.
Edison and Topsy the Elephant's fates met after Topsy had trampled to death three men in as many years at Coney Island's Luna Park. Simultaneously Edison had been on a campaign of animal electrocutions to prove the danger of George Westinghouse's Alternating Current, which was struggling for dominance in the 'War of the Currents' with his own Direct Current. Edison had pioneered the electric chair for just this reason in 1890 and was confident that, not only could an elephant be destroyed by electrocution, but that by proliferating a film of the act via his kinetograph machines across America, he could create enough of a stir to help stigmatise AC for good.
This came at a time when Edison was looking for ways to monopolise cinematic production and distribution through his company's patent rights. 5 years later he would succeed with the creation of the Motion Picture Copyright Corporation (or The Trust) which approved studio licenses enforcing holders to pay fees to the Edison company. This effectively disenfranchised independent film making in America until Carl Laemmle's company spearheaded a definitive stand against Edison and The Trust.
Edison's plans backfired, by 1912 The Trust was taken to court and in 1915 was dissolved. Similarly DC lost out to the AC that is generally used today despite his attacks on Westinghouse. In the end, aside from seeming unusually cruel, Topsy's Death is symbolic of Edison's frustrated attempts at dominion both over Cinema and over electricity itself.
The Naming of Grodd(d).
“Mighty Osr’’t’yo(nr)sossd’’ welcomes you to ’Os’’s’ar(ra(ran.ho.j(k’er(dos)))), realm of the true lord Yur(ba.b(FRE)jo.ba’’’’b)stort(((gurt)f)u)wryp,” bellowed Jr’tr’REWQ(YU)kr’yst to the visitors, and flung open the court gates for them to see what wonders lay within. Their jaws dropped when they beheld mighty Lord Yur(ba.b(FRE)jo.ba’’’’b)stort(((gurt)f)u)wryp, leaning forth upon his throne, ready to belch his putrid fury.
“Damn you heathens” he cried…
“Damn you heathens” he cried…
The Cook Foundation
The Cook Foundation was founded by two of the legendary sea Captain’s descendants, Phillip Edward Johnson and Daisy Joel to further study the life, line and legacy.
“Cook,” says Johnson, “didn’t just discover Australia; rather he altered our very notions of time, space and reality. His frustration with the classic forms of geographical representation, as well as the wider lacks of scientific thought, is well documented. This essential doubt is part of a strong tradition, and one that has been carried over through the generations.”
Gabriel Ewart Cook
When Gabriel Ewart Cook was asked to speak at the opening of the Greenwich Observatory’s Greenwich Meridian Line regarding his grandfather’s achievements, he made an unexpectedly damning speech, condemning the line as a falsity, claiming that a new “real” meridian would be discovered “A true definition of all beginnings and all endings as dictated by the science of our very human souls.”
A length of copper, once belonging to Gabriel Ewart Cook, is now in the possession of the Foundation. He kept the length of copper, which is the same dimensions of that which denotes the prime meridian at Greenwich, in the hope that some day the new meridian would be discovered, and he would be able to put this in place.
Maps in the possession of the Foundation are marked as “The Island of the New Meridian.” Though these maps are from the family archives, kept in sea chests under the Captains lock and key, it is uncertain whether it was he or one of his ship mates that made these maps. Though they bear some of Cook’s markings, the territories marked out do not seem to relate to any geographical area on the surface of the Earth.
Our team of researchers have been looking into the link between Cook’s Island and his grandson’s New Meridian. It seems almost implausible that Gabriel Ewart could have latched onto the idea of the new meridian without prior knowledge of the maps, which suggests that some of his apparently bizarre theories could have been taken from the Captain himself. It is possible that at the height of some psychological malady or fever upon the high seas, Cook noted down his stipulations as to the location of a new Meridian, and that his skills as cartographer helped him to come to an understanding of his delusion. Dr. Frances Dmitri of Nottingham University is certain that for Cook, map-making represented a way of interpreting the world around him and that if he found himself mentally lost, he would certainly attempt to make sense of things through cartography. The recently unearthed maps are thought to have been produced under this mind state, but we can not be certain how they relate to Gabriel Ewart Cook’s insistence.
“Cook,” says Johnson, “didn’t just discover Australia; rather he altered our very notions of time, space and reality. His frustration with the classic forms of geographical representation, as well as the wider lacks of scientific thought, is well documented. This essential doubt is part of a strong tradition, and one that has been carried over through the generations.”
Gabriel Ewart Cook
When Gabriel Ewart Cook was asked to speak at the opening of the Greenwich Observatory’s Greenwich Meridian Line regarding his grandfather’s achievements, he made an unexpectedly damning speech, condemning the line as a falsity, claiming that a new “real” meridian would be discovered “A true definition of all beginnings and all endings as dictated by the science of our very human souls.”
A length of copper, once belonging to Gabriel Ewart Cook, is now in the possession of the Foundation. He kept the length of copper, which is the same dimensions of that which denotes the prime meridian at Greenwich, in the hope that some day the new meridian would be discovered, and he would be able to put this in place.
Maps in the possession of the Foundation are marked as “The Island of the New Meridian.” Though these maps are from the family archives, kept in sea chests under the Captains lock and key, it is uncertain whether it was he or one of his ship mates that made these maps. Though they bear some of Cook’s markings, the territories marked out do not seem to relate to any geographical area on the surface of the Earth.
Our team of researchers have been looking into the link between Cook’s Island and his grandson’s New Meridian. It seems almost implausible that Gabriel Ewart could have latched onto the idea of the new meridian without prior knowledge of the maps, which suggests that some of his apparently bizarre theories could have been taken from the Captain himself. It is possible that at the height of some psychological malady or fever upon the high seas, Cook noted down his stipulations as to the location of a new Meridian, and that his skills as cartographer helped him to come to an understanding of his delusion. Dr. Frances Dmitri of Nottingham University is certain that for Cook, map-making represented a way of interpreting the world around him and that if he found himself mentally lost, he would certainly attempt to make sense of things through cartography. The recently unearthed maps are thought to have been produced under this mind state, but we can not be certain how they relate to Gabriel Ewart Cook’s insistence.
Street World
Imagine the potential of a world consisting of only one street. This street continues around the entire equator of the world, allowing one to walk down it for an eternity without finding a turning. It is a continuity of shops, terraced, with apartments above. There are what amounts to districts on the street, varying increasingly the further one travels along. Go far enough and you will find people that speak different languages and have different shops.
Behind each of these shops lies the infrastructure that allows its goods to be produced, the local supplier immediately behind, followed by a series of factories producing each of the goods, followed by specialist producers of goods and machinery for each of these factories, all the way back, hundreds of miles (either to the North or South, depending on which side of the street one started at) to the land and seas, quarries and mines where materials originate, to be passed forth through this streamlined system back out to the street. Beyond this there is only rock and ice.
Behind each of these shops lies the infrastructure that allows its goods to be produced, the local supplier immediately behind, followed by a series of factories producing each of the goods, followed by specialist producers of goods and machinery for each of these factories, all the way back, hundreds of miles (either to the North or South, depending on which side of the street one started at) to the land and seas, quarries and mines where materials originate, to be passed forth through this streamlined system back out to the street. Beyond this there is only rock and ice.
Rock Bottom
There were two brothers named Ronald and Robin Robotham. Together they formed a musical partnership, a pop group under the names Roland Rock and Robin Hoody. Their rivalry tore the group apart and Roland opened a bargain furniture shop under his new name Rock Bottom. To make things worse, his brother opened ‘Rockin’ Robin’s Discount Pine’ over the road.
Phase 8
Introduction
8 books in 8 years, beginning the 8th
of August 2008, ending on her 88th
birthday, Friday May 13th 2016.
However littered with seemingly facetious multiplicities of fantastical first-person narrative, the woman known as Orit's over-arching premise was that each book should be at first appear to the reader to be a simple instruction manual, for whom it is still unclear, a civil servant or landscape architect or sanitation worker,
Her translucent fingers, at least in Phase 1, as she would term it, in early stages of arthritis, scribbled defiantly: pencil on tissue; fountain pen on brown paper; biro on the corner of the telephone book; eye-liner on a bank statement when nothing appeared more speedily for her to release the contents of her creaking memory.
Each subsequent volume was to be an update of the first, there would be coded messages, some for the learned, others specifically for members of her own family to find an understand her and themselves. Numerological game, some of which could only be understood by those versed in scriptures, others by geologists, birdwatchers, the messages they revealed only understandable by political scientists, historians, coal miners, working together, her books would require widespread collaboration, a vast human project of unifying ambition.
Her daughter Mulualem shopped for her, nursed her daily, making the Minestrone she had enjoyed in her youth. Her grandson Kabede drove her daily to the library to research, his periodic outbursts she always received with calm.
Phase 2 would introduce a different pseudonym from the first. Hiram Liefmann became Leslie Sebastian Charles. Hundreds of pages of Phase 2 would appear identical to its predecessor, detailed reading of the repeated text would reveal occasional discrepancies, new codes, a game of revelation mirroring world events. For those who noticed, the frame of reference would have slipped 100 years into the future, though a reading that ignored this subtlety would still provide the reader with a story, and a message that could not be misunderstood.
Phase 1 was in its draft stage when Kabede was first diagnosed as one of the early sufferers of the condition, now spreading globally. The matrix of contamination, seemingly arbitrary, though attuned to nature’s pernicious circularity, found its way into the structure of Orit’s vision, eventually suggesting new angles to health researchers seeking therapeutic solutions.
Phase 2 saw Kabede bed-bound, Orit also remained at home now without him as escort. Mulualem found it too difficult, learning to drive, now caring for her son and mother. She looked for alternative accommodation, somewhere near the library, a bungalow, with specified amenities for both of them, and affordable with the state benefits she was awarded. Phase 1 had been released through the intervention of a sympathetic benefactor, Henry Millington and had not had a single buyer. It was carried periodically by a handful of local special-interest booksellers and was not reviewed. Orit was certain of the book’s eventual success, she was never disheartened, even by the circumstances under which they found themselves living.
The Phases of her literature were simultaneously analogous to levels of political office, eras in world history, classifications of flora and fauna, using each in forming structures of play, each a new update pack for devoted players, none of which existed. The Phases flowed to the dark rhythms of the disease, its progress across the Earth, its potential futures, its effect on her flesh-and-blood grandson and the undulating grief and guilt that she felt for him.
Phase 3 was written with some interaction from her readers and players. Some were bemused by this impenetrable text, unsure whether Orit was deluded or demented. A pilot, a student of arts, a cyclist, a curate, a shipping magnate, all 13 of her readers wrote back, and all their concern, mockery and curiosity became part of subsequent updates. From her more iniquitous correspondent, Federico Basco, Orit took the pen-name of this third in the series, her opportunity to forgive and understand, perhaps also to alter and improve him through the multifarious portrayals of her narrator.
Amendments to rules became the largest single component of this instalment. In it readers’ responses were developed and their words lent to characters. This excited existing readers, unintentionally confirming their reactions, and word-of-mouth began to spread.
Millington began to see sales, his losses were lessened and in his misguided zeal he thrilled at the thought of his having commissioning a work of genius. He moved her and her family into a new home in the suburbs, more suitable to their needs, near a health centre and a library which Orit would have to spend weeks getting used to. He donated greatly to the charity working on a cure for a new and deadly strain of the illness. She was gracious and did not complain, though her ambitious task was made the more difficult for it.
In Phase 4 Kabede made a startling recovery and a celebratory tone comes through in the text, only to be shadowed by knowledge that such reprisals tend to be short-lived.
Trips to the Synagogue became much more easily achievable for the family and Mulualem began even to socialise. She met Jeremiah Salzmann and the two became close, both widowed the pair would come to spend more and more time together, though Orit declined his offers of help, driving her or cooking. Her dislike for Salzmann, not based entirely on her traditional respect for mourning, was profound, yet as ever her pursed-lipped pride forbade her interject. It all became a part of Phase 4.
Writing as Faye Wayne, Phase 4 eschewed her increasing correspondence as material, preferring a wholly individual illustration of where the game should go. This fourth edition of the manual claimed to be more expansive, open to more possibilities, however singularly it circumvented her own idea.
Blank pages were included throughout Phase 5 for readers’ additional material, for cutting or pasting in ways explained, indirectly, by the many heroes and villains disguised as diagrams and recipes in translation. The text, often suspended between 60 or 70 pages of white, was all collaged from previous books, often so intensely that it was literally unreadable. Code breakers caught on to the works of this woman they saw as mathematical adept, slaved months on the text turning up clues that led nowhere. Others, readers with love for reading saw characters hidden, even in the blank parchment.
A crackpot fan, Mike Harman of Connecticut, wrote Phase 6, without being asked or allowed, within days of the release of Phase 5. Often self-consciously nonsensical, Harman returned to past characters, long forgotten, in an epic fan fiction, killing, curing, plunging into grand adventure between fantasy and the real, placing himself into the action with autobiographical aplomb and pleading zeal in support of the author.
That this grovelling was not in vain, proof was given in the shape of Orit’s ‘real’ Phase 6, titled “Guide to 6” wherein, by her now partially appreciated genius, she wove her own plot, tied to her sixth stage towards celestial unity and the sixth decline of empire, in a slim volume offering an ‘unofficial’ reading of the book written by her admirer Harman. Many of her notes offered comparisons between a real reading and the metaphorical nuance Harman could scarce have seen himself, that told the tale she had always intended to tell.
This more accessible and affordable book became a hit on Campuses in the US, UK, as well as being translated for the first time into Swedish, German and Japanese.
The translators, who had such trouble with her works and spent many long evening meetings with her at dinner wrestling with her concepts, found themselves working closely with her on Phase 7. Here began the critic’s doubts in Orit’s literature, the occasional sensationalist reviewer hinting their belief that her works were no more genius than the rantings of a bedlamite and that her more intellectual, that is to say pretentious readers were doing the work of putting together a picture of her vision on her behalf.
Her Swedish Translator Bibi Olafsson came on one of her long-haul visits and as invited to stay with the family. It was at this time that the grip of the illness took its unexpected turn, Adebe was among those hit, and Olafsson found that she was documenting the family’s struggle more than she was working on the book. Others found that Orit had regressed to speaking in Italian or Tigrinya, necessitating a second and third translator.
Eventually only part 1 and 5 of the 7 parts of Phase 7 were written by Orit in the end. The second was by Bibi Olafsson, largely a tale of Adebe’s death and the society of the disease, including a science-fiction tale of its future. The third by Professor Mitchell, Tigrinya language specialist, contained clues and biographical details not hinted at to the others. The fourth by Gunter Spier brought a selection of Orit’s characters to the brink of self-realisation, hinting at the climax to come. The sixth by Yakamoto Sumito has never been fathomed by translators, scholars, numerologists or the vast pantheon of the pseudo-scientific often called on for a more mystical explanation of her writing. The last part, written by Alezzo Mastini introduced Jeremiah Salzman as a character, and offered, if only from an exterior narrator, a warm and accepting picture of the man who had married Mulualem and eased her through her son’s death.
Each of the 7 parts of Phase 7 corresponded to each of the prior books, except for part 7 which was dedicated to circularity and the potential of infinitely delaying death.
Phase 8 was released posthumously on what would have been her 88th birthday, Friday May 13th 2016. It opened with three dots, was followed by a pressing of a Beech leaf, and seemed to contain nothing more than a scrapbook of odd and ends found lying around the house. Shopping lists, different coloured pieces of paper, empty cereal boxes, fruit stickers, pages cut from magazines. Her severest critics, even in death, cited Phase 8 as proof that her works were a mirage created by exploitative sensationalists. The hard core of dedicated readers have set up scores of internet sites and local societies dedicated to finally interpreting this final part of the story, some desperate to find finality for her characters, others looking for answers only hinted at before, for society, for individuals, for curing the disease, for unifying the cosmos.
Mulualem and Jeremiah Salzman inherited the estate and her works which continue to be reprinted and sell worldwide to this day.
Phillip Edward Johnson
Baltimore, 08/08/18
8 books in 8 years, beginning the 8th
of August 2008, ending on her 88th
birthday, Friday May 13th 2016.
However littered with seemingly facetious multiplicities of fantastical first-person narrative, the woman known as Orit's over-arching premise was that each book should be at first appear to the reader to be a simple instruction manual, for whom it is still unclear, a civil servant or landscape architect or sanitation worker,
Her translucent fingers, at least in Phase 1, as she would term it, in early stages of arthritis, scribbled defiantly: pencil on tissue; fountain pen on brown paper; biro on the corner of the telephone book; eye-liner on a bank statement when nothing appeared more speedily for her to release the contents of her creaking memory.
Each subsequent volume was to be an update of the first, there would be coded messages, some for the learned, others specifically for members of her own family to find an understand her and themselves. Numerological game, some of which could only be understood by those versed in scriptures, others by geologists, birdwatchers, the messages they revealed only understandable by political scientists, historians, coal miners, working together, her books would require widespread collaboration, a vast human project of unifying ambition.
Her daughter Mulualem shopped for her, nursed her daily, making the Minestrone she had enjoyed in her youth. Her grandson Kabede drove her daily to the library to research, his periodic outbursts she always received with calm.
Phase 2 would introduce a different pseudonym from the first. Hiram Liefmann became Leslie Sebastian Charles. Hundreds of pages of Phase 2 would appear identical to its predecessor, detailed reading of the repeated text would reveal occasional discrepancies, new codes, a game of revelation mirroring world events. For those who noticed, the frame of reference would have slipped 100 years into the future, though a reading that ignored this subtlety would still provide the reader with a story, and a message that could not be misunderstood.
Phase 1 was in its draft stage when Kabede was first diagnosed as one of the early sufferers of the condition, now spreading globally. The matrix of contamination, seemingly arbitrary, though attuned to nature’s pernicious circularity, found its way into the structure of Orit’s vision, eventually suggesting new angles to health researchers seeking therapeutic solutions.
Phase 2 saw Kabede bed-bound, Orit also remained at home now without him as escort. Mulualem found it too difficult, learning to drive, now caring for her son and mother. She looked for alternative accommodation, somewhere near the library, a bungalow, with specified amenities for both of them, and affordable with the state benefits she was awarded. Phase 1 had been released through the intervention of a sympathetic benefactor, Henry Millington and had not had a single buyer. It was carried periodically by a handful of local special-interest booksellers and was not reviewed. Orit was certain of the book’s eventual success, she was never disheartened, even by the circumstances under which they found themselves living.
The Phases of her literature were simultaneously analogous to levels of political office, eras in world history, classifications of flora and fauna, using each in forming structures of play, each a new update pack for devoted players, none of which existed. The Phases flowed to the dark rhythms of the disease, its progress across the Earth, its potential futures, its effect on her flesh-and-blood grandson and the undulating grief and guilt that she felt for him.
Phase 3 was written with some interaction from her readers and players. Some were bemused by this impenetrable text, unsure whether Orit was deluded or demented. A pilot, a student of arts, a cyclist, a curate, a shipping magnate, all 13 of her readers wrote back, and all their concern, mockery and curiosity became part of subsequent updates. From her more iniquitous correspondent, Federico Basco, Orit took the pen-name of this third in the series, her opportunity to forgive and understand, perhaps also to alter and improve him through the multifarious portrayals of her narrator.
Amendments to rules became the largest single component of this instalment. In it readers’ responses were developed and their words lent to characters. This excited existing readers, unintentionally confirming their reactions, and word-of-mouth began to spread.
Millington began to see sales, his losses were lessened and in his misguided zeal he thrilled at the thought of his having commissioning a work of genius. He moved her and her family into a new home in the suburbs, more suitable to their needs, near a health centre and a library which Orit would have to spend weeks getting used to. He donated greatly to the charity working on a cure for a new and deadly strain of the illness. She was gracious and did not complain, though her ambitious task was made the more difficult for it.
In Phase 4 Kabede made a startling recovery and a celebratory tone comes through in the text, only to be shadowed by knowledge that such reprisals tend to be short-lived.
Trips to the Synagogue became much more easily achievable for the family and Mulualem began even to socialise. She met Jeremiah Salzmann and the two became close, both widowed the pair would come to spend more and more time together, though Orit declined his offers of help, driving her or cooking. Her dislike for Salzmann, not based entirely on her traditional respect for mourning, was profound, yet as ever her pursed-lipped pride forbade her interject. It all became a part of Phase 4.
Writing as Faye Wayne, Phase 4 eschewed her increasing correspondence as material, preferring a wholly individual illustration of where the game should go. This fourth edition of the manual claimed to be more expansive, open to more possibilities, however singularly it circumvented her own idea.
Blank pages were included throughout Phase 5 for readers’ additional material, for cutting or pasting in ways explained, indirectly, by the many heroes and villains disguised as diagrams and recipes in translation. The text, often suspended between 60 or 70 pages of white, was all collaged from previous books, often so intensely that it was literally unreadable. Code breakers caught on to the works of this woman they saw as mathematical adept, slaved months on the text turning up clues that led nowhere. Others, readers with love for reading saw characters hidden, even in the blank parchment.
A crackpot fan, Mike Harman of Connecticut, wrote Phase 6, without being asked or allowed, within days of the release of Phase 5. Often self-consciously nonsensical, Harman returned to past characters, long forgotten, in an epic fan fiction, killing, curing, plunging into grand adventure between fantasy and the real, placing himself into the action with autobiographical aplomb and pleading zeal in support of the author.
That this grovelling was not in vain, proof was given in the shape of Orit’s ‘real’ Phase 6, titled “Guide to 6” wherein, by her now partially appreciated genius, she wove her own plot, tied to her sixth stage towards celestial unity and the sixth decline of empire, in a slim volume offering an ‘unofficial’ reading of the book written by her admirer Harman. Many of her notes offered comparisons between a real reading and the metaphorical nuance Harman could scarce have seen himself, that told the tale she had always intended to tell.
This more accessible and affordable book became a hit on Campuses in the US, UK, as well as being translated for the first time into Swedish, German and Japanese.
The translators, who had such trouble with her works and spent many long evening meetings with her at dinner wrestling with her concepts, found themselves working closely with her on Phase 7. Here began the critic’s doubts in Orit’s literature, the occasional sensationalist reviewer hinting their belief that her works were no more genius than the rantings of a bedlamite and that her more intellectual, that is to say pretentious readers were doing the work of putting together a picture of her vision on her behalf.
Her Swedish Translator Bibi Olafsson came on one of her long-haul visits and as invited to stay with the family. It was at this time that the grip of the illness took its unexpected turn, Adebe was among those hit, and Olafsson found that she was documenting the family’s struggle more than she was working on the book. Others found that Orit had regressed to speaking in Italian or Tigrinya, necessitating a second and third translator.
Eventually only part 1 and 5 of the 7 parts of Phase 7 were written by Orit in the end. The second was by Bibi Olafsson, largely a tale of Adebe’s death and the society of the disease, including a science-fiction tale of its future. The third by Professor Mitchell, Tigrinya language specialist, contained clues and biographical details not hinted at to the others. The fourth by Gunter Spier brought a selection of Orit’s characters to the brink of self-realisation, hinting at the climax to come. The sixth by Yakamoto Sumito has never been fathomed by translators, scholars, numerologists or the vast pantheon of the pseudo-scientific often called on for a more mystical explanation of her writing. The last part, written by Alezzo Mastini introduced Jeremiah Salzman as a character, and offered, if only from an exterior narrator, a warm and accepting picture of the man who had married Mulualem and eased her through her son’s death.
Each of the 7 parts of Phase 7 corresponded to each of the prior books, except for part 7 which was dedicated to circularity and the potential of infinitely delaying death.
Phase 8 was released posthumously on what would have been her 88th birthday, Friday May 13th 2016. It opened with three dots, was followed by a pressing of a Beech leaf, and seemed to contain nothing more than a scrapbook of odd and ends found lying around the house. Shopping lists, different coloured pieces of paper, empty cereal boxes, fruit stickers, pages cut from magazines. Her severest critics, even in death, cited Phase 8 as proof that her works were a mirage created by exploitative sensationalists. The hard core of dedicated readers have set up scores of internet sites and local societies dedicated to finally interpreting this final part of the story, some desperate to find finality for her characters, others looking for answers only hinted at before, for society, for individuals, for curing the disease, for unifying the cosmos.
Mulualem and Jeremiah Salzman inherited the estate and her works which continue to be reprinted and sell worldwide to this day.
Phillip Edward Johnson
Baltimore, 08/08/18
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